crushed whip!

You can’t deny it: Swine flu is the biggest craze since American Apparel made leggings the new skinny jeans. The BBC, the OK! of all things depressing, is giving us daily updates on all the inside gossip of the latest flu pandemic, there’s been 17 tweets in the past minute referring it and now there’s even a dance devoted to the affliction. And with more and more people sneezing their way into an early grave, maybe it’s time we all got those niggling coughs checked out.

Now I’ve been feeling iffy for the past couple of days, but because I’m such a total wimp that I can’t go on a swing for more than 5 minutes without getting motion sickness, I turned a blind eye to my wavering immune system and maintained a stiff upper lip. But now on the third day of my plight I feel like I’m sitting on a cloud and my legs are about to fall off. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t think that’s normal. I think I’ve been struck down by pig-related influenza, and I’m going on a Google adventure to find out if I’ve become a walking talking swine flu incubator. ‘Get Well Soon’ cards much appreciated.

The NHS offers a list of 12 symptoms of swine flu, out of which I’m showing a total of 6. Before today I would have totally ignored this and passed it off as an annoying, common and ultimately boring and unimpressive cold, but I’m still reeling in shock from my newspaper discovery this morning that the first otherwise-healthy person has died of swine flu in the UK. Obviously this isn’t good news – am I at risk of an untimely demise too, then? The national health service assure me that I don’t need to worry (that much) since I’m not suffering from any other diseases, I’m between the ages of 5 and 65, and definitely not ‘up the spud’. Still though, I want to know if maybe I shouldn’t have hugged that little piggy the other day…

Now for the NHS Direct ‘Have I Got Swine Flu?’ quiz. Who needs Facebook quizzes when I’ve got this!? I don’t need to be told that I’m going to die at the tender age of 21 in a car crash because I ticked the ‘adventurous’ box when I can find out that actually my fate is to die in a week from swine flu because I’ve got the shivers and feel like my lunch is about to reappear.

After being quizzed on my symptoms, it’s official: I may have swine flu. Must call GP immediately. Great. What can he do apart from feed me Tamiflu pills and chain me to my bed for the next week? Very little. With Dr Bird’s help or not, I’m probably going to end up feeling really shitty really soon, whether I’m ill now or not.